Life were hard back then
I were standing by fire in pit head office watching our eldest Lucy shovelling coal into railway wagon, as fast as any man. By eck, I thought, what a lass, and that’s when I had a notion.
I’m Henry Blagthorpe, They calls me Lord Blagthorpe, or that bastard Blagthorpe. I own pit and village of Blagthorpe as it happens, I has a reputation you see.
I married a widdow, Elsie Sugden. Her had a kid already, Lucy. I says married, we never wasted brass on church or nothing. Every bit of brass went into business.
Useless bitch she were and all. Seven bloody giirls her popped before her cried enough and went to sleep in spare room, well one of em, I had twelve bedrooms at last count.
I went outside to have a word, “Eee lass thee’s fit.” I says to our Lucy.
“What’s this chatting up thee daughter, he’ll be in thee knickers next,” Cocker Drayton joked.
“Button it Cocker,” I says, “I means she’s strong as any bloke,” I says.
“Well don’t go geting any ideas,” Lucy snapped, “I told thee I’ll not cook and clean for thee, nor go down pit, I’d rather go down whore house.”
“Look here, thee’d frighten blokes stupid, now if thee’s got any sense thee’s sell the honour to highest bidder.” I suggested.
“And how much would you offer?” she asked.
“Five bob,” I laughed.
“Done, I’ll tell our mam.” she grinned and went back to shovelling. She must have been hot as she had her shirt undone and thee could see her whatsits swinging as she shovelled.
I got home after dark. Table was set. Tea was cold as always. Elsie was bloody miserable as always.
“For half a bloody crown I’d send the lot of thee to workhouse,” I joked to lighten mood.
“For half a crown I’d bloody go,” Elsie said moodily.
“Mam our Dad offered five bob for me honour,” Lucy blurted out as she washed the coal dust off her while stripped to the waist by kitchen sink.
“Some bloody hopes it must be long gone,” Elsie snapped.
“No, no bugger’s had me our mam, ent no one as I fancy,” Lucy said, “Except Daddy.”
“Now hang on I were jesting,” I said, “Thee’s me daughter.”
“So why am I working in pit not at some poncy finishing school or some such?” Lucy asked.
“I don’t want thee cavorting with nobs, I wants thee,” I said, “I wants thee close at hand so I can look after thee.”
“So no other bugger has me,” she challenged, “You want’s me for thee own, for thee whore!”
She stood there, whatsits hanging out, the teats all stood up, face and hair all black, and it hit me. “I reckon thee’s right.” I said. I had a think, “Thee’s old enough, there ‘ent nowt but courtesy for keeping thee around as thee ent mine so there ‘ent no reason we shouldn’t is there.”
“I’d snap thee little dick in half,” she challenged wi’ her eyes ablaze.
“Go and fuck the little bitch,” Elsie said, “Then chuck her out ungrateful mare.”
I found a golden guinea, “Here thee are then,” I says as I handed it to her, “Get thee kit off.”
“I suppose you want’s change?” she said.
“Nah keep it,” I said. Our Elsie near fainted, she were so shocked by me generosity.
“Da,” Lucy says, “Can we go somewhere more private?”
“Nay, bugger it, me saps up,” I says, “Bend over table our Lucy I’ll poke thee from behind.”
Our Elsie made a space and Lucy dropped her mans breeches what she wore and bent over table.
Her woman’s parts was all pink and moist and me tadger was straining fit to bust so I had me belt undone and me kecks round me ankles afore you could say “Ee Bah Gum.”
It were lucky he were straining as her thingy put up a fight as I went to poke her, I had to hang on to her whatsits to get a bit of purchase like, but all of a sudden it gev way and I were bollock deep inside her unmentionables. Her moaned all satisfied like as I poked away at her.
It was bloody champion, her seemed to enjoy it as well. I enjoyed me self like I hadn’t for bloody ages. In the end when I shot me bolt I were bloody knackered.
I sat down. Our Elsie pushed me tea in front of me. It were cold, bloody inedible like. I flung it at her, “Am off down bloody chippy, you coming our Lucy?”
“What about us?” Elsie whined.
“Thee made bloody muck, thee can bloody eat ont,” I told her.
Our Lucy pulld her breeches up and that and off we went.
They were shocked to see I down Chippy, They let us go first in queue on account of none of ‘em wanted the sack.
“Two Haddock and a bag o’ chips,” I says, “And what ever thee’s having,” I gestured towards our Lucy.
“I’ll have a meat pie,” Lucy says, “The big un, what sort of meat is it.”
“Horse,” Chippy said, “Thee Faither lets us have pit ponies cheap when they’re knackered.”
“Lord Blagthorpe to thee, any road round she ‘ent me daughter no more ‘cause I been poking her and she’s mine now.”
“Not till you put a ring on me finger I ent,” Lucy says, “You ent me dad, you ent me nothing,”
“Bloody hell girl,” I says, “Thee don’t hang around do thee?” I thought a mo. She were fit, healthy, why she had a better than average chance of bearing me a son. Me mind were made up.
“Marry me then our Lucy!” I says.
“‘Course I will,” she says, “Lets nip off down vicarage and set things in motion.”
“Bugger me tha’ don’t hang about.|” I admitted.
“I had a good teacher,” she smiled.
We picked up us snap and headed off down vicar’s place.
Vicar bloody near had a fit, “But she’s your daughter!” he whined.
“Step daughter,” Lucy reminded him, “Him and me Mam ent married any road and me half sisters is all bastards.”
“I wouldn’t call all of em bastards, bloody irritating mebe,” I confessed.
“She means technically,” the Vicar said helpfully, “So there is a lot to organise, flowers, bells, choir,”
“That’s bollocks is that,” Lucy says, “No flowers, no bells, no choir, no bloody fancy dresses, just call the Banns, marry us part way through morning service and then us can get started on a son and heir for Daddy, I mean for Henry.”
“Are you sure?” I asks.
‘Course I’m sure,” Lucy insisted, “I know thee loves brass more than anything so I ent going to start off by riling thee am I?”
I were shocked to the core, she understood me in a way our Elsie never did. Elsie always wanted new clobber long afore the old were wore out, her’d of wanted flowers and the whole bloody shebang.
We went back home, I expected Lucy to bunk in along with I but her said not till us was wed so I had to make do with Elsie and her only let me poke her backside.
Three weeks later we was wed. Bloody hell did I know it. I were bloody knackered. Her wanted it morning noon and night, afore break fast, during morning fag break, snap time and after tea as well as bed time.
“You’ll give me heart attack!” I protested as she jumped on me thingy for the second time in an hour in pit office wi clerks and that trying to look t’other way.
“And all thee stuff will be mine,” she said her eyes ablaze.
“Ah, so that’s thee plan,” I agreed as her bounced up and down on me thingy which were stiff as a pit prop, “So what u’d thee change if I popped me clogs?”
“Kick our bloody Mam out for a start, and me bloody sisters,” she said, “Get a decent house what’s easy to keep clean and warm handy for pit.”
“And,” I says as her bounces up, down and sideways on me thingy, pleasuring her sen.
“Get me self a fit bloke what can roger me sideways all day and all night.” she said wistfully.
“He’d have thee fat we child afore thee knowed,” I assured her, “But thee has a point, what bloody use is thee Mam except when thee has womens thingys and I can’t have thee. Chuck her out and the kids, send em down work house.”
“You callous bastard!” she said, “They’re your bloody kids.”
“Not a shit o good none of em,” I admitted, “e should kick the bloody lot out.”
“Thing is,” Lucy said, “If we moved in that nice three bed down Abbotoire Road as I got me eye on.”
“Yes?” I said, “We could let big house out as flats, send the older girls down pit, lend youngest to chimney sweep, and set our Mam up in her own whore house and charge her rent.”
I were gob smacked. I shot me load in shock. “Bugger me our Lucy,” I says, “Why the ‘ell didn’t I think of that!”
“Yer gettin’ old, and I had a good teacher,” she happily as she climbed off me and wiped her sen on table cloth. “Now have a bit of a kip, I’ll be back for more in half a mo!”
Her went back to shovelling.
“Her’ll have thee in early grave you mark my words,” Cocker Drayton chief clerk muttered.
“I die happy,” I answered, “Then mebbe her’ll fuck thee?”
He went quite pale.
“I’m bloody joking you wazzock!” I taunted him.
He bloody fainted. Said it were shock of me cracking a joke, first time in the 20 years he’d worked’ for me.
Its bloody funny what love does to thee.